I miss everyone so! I really wish I could have a big hug and see your smiling faces right now… Ummm okay so, I came to Assam with a guy from the Ashram named Mukut. I was running out of money. Meanwhile, he had been “about to leave” for about 3 days but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He somehow mentioned that I could stay with his family for up to 3 months for free, free food, etc. And we left the next morning!! I felt kind of bad leaving in such a flash but it totally felt right and exciting… I didn’t get to say goodbye to everyone I wanted to but it was such a thrill going with the wind.
We went to Bombay first and took a 60 hour train from there to Assam, where his family lives. The drive to Bombay was SO beautiful and absolutely spiritually and emotionally thrilling and so exciting. I fell into a half sleep at one point and when I woke up I had this perspective like, …now that I put it in words it’s no longer quite right of course… but like really saw through the eyes of a soul on a human journey. And I was so proud of myself for taking a step into spontaneity, like I was living a step like the life I’ve always wanted. Absolute freedom, going with the wind, trusting in chances…
Here at his house I’ve had some absolute highs and some absolute lows, much depending on how much meditation I get in. This is all so hard, and I keep thinking that I really need a master. The other Osho Ashram is in Gujarat (lol much closer to Pune) and that’s an option. Also maybe Dharamsala, or if something else pops into my field of awareness. It’s hard to know how to make decisions… I don’t quite understand this new life I am trying to live. How much thinking is involved? Can I choose wrongly? What do I need? What if I end up going a different route than Osho? Would you still want to post it on the Osho site? I don’t mind at all, and would be flattered also, I think, let me know what you think.
Oy, there is so much I want to say but I don’t know which of it to say or how to say it or what it is I want to say. I wish I could just hook up a cable between us and transfer everything and skip the word bullshit. How are you guys so happy?? Meditation is giving me small doses, and changing me for the better, but any lapse, especially after I sleep for some reason, and I’m back to cycles of doubt and grumpiness.
So, are there steps in between? Like enlightenment is step Z, but at least I can get to B or C and not have to come back to stupid happiness-less A all the time? And do you think at some point I will need a living master? It seems to me like I will. I don’t understand the way all of this works, like this life-happening stuff, is something going to come to me? Can I trust in the magnetism between what I’m hoping for and it, wherever and whatever it is? I can’t give up now, it’s too late, I have no alternative. A friend in CO who lived in a commune type thing for 7 years told me the story of the “jumping mouse” he jumped high and saw these mountainous peaks and nobody would believe him, but now he couldn’t just stay and live in the rut with the other mice, he had to follow it and see… so he goes on this long journey and eventually finds the mountains and gets to the top and jumps up and he turns into an Eagle and he flies… I have no idea where I am going…. Please let something find me, please please…
Oh man… okay so you asked about my love situation. I’ve really felt my heart opening up lately, like really felt it- the heart chakra.. I hadn’t since AOL. It started with the prayers at the Puja festivals (ps that’s what I’ve been busy doing, lots of culture and events and praying, so fun – if it works this way that if you are loved you recieve, then I am VERY LOVED and I said thank you so many times…)
if I’m in Gujarat it might be possible for me to come to Pune for a little, but it’s SO expensive, so I’m not sure… And also I can only stay in India for 6 months at a time so I have to leave for 2 months before the first week of February. OMGGGG Mukut just came in… lol glad you’re here for this. Have you heard of the Art of Living? There is an intro class HERE IN TOWN and then an advanced course and then I can apply to live and work in the Art of Living ashram in Bangalore for FREE food and Stay!! WTF THIS IS SO AWEOSOME!!! Thank you existance I love you Punitama And even if that doesn’t work I can go to the Gujarat Ashram still, it’s only 150 rupees a day for stay and food… Okay wellllll now I’m all hyped up and I’m going to look it up online.
Love you love you love you,