Yeah, you are welcome to put my letters up, I just hope I don’t disappoint! Today was (AGAIN) the cycle of: I am so stupid why did I think I needed to go all the way around the world, nothing special or amazing or life-changing is happening to me, I’ve simply f*&#ked up my life, I could have done this all in a normal manner, …to…. idk I just finished TM for the evening and I feel really good, of course there are layers, and sadness is there too, but I feel refreshed, and got a glimpse of what is either the reality of what is happening to me or some fantasy I keep re-enlivening in my mind, that there IS a path, that some GREAT TRANSFORMATION is happening to me, that all these crazy decisions and doubts and so un-normal ways of basing my decision making are OKAY and perhaps astonishingly beautiful, now I get to join the world of… something…
…but again it’s very faint, and highly doubtable, as is the nature of these feelings… but I’m HOPING beyond HOPE that there’s truth in it, or even that it is THE TRUTH… that would be wonderful. I’m not sure at what stage, if “nothing” continues to come of all of this, to give up on this other- worldy great transformation stuff, and just get a job and incorporate meditation and being OKAY with myself, dealing with my problems, all the issues of my personality and my life…
Sorry if this stuff is heavy… wait you do POL I think you can handle it, haha. Well thanks for listening and for all the support. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s any way I’m going to be able to make it to Poona or Goa in time to see you Too bad I didn’t stay in Goa and become a hippie like I thought about.
GAHH I really want to figure out what kind of life to live, I feel so unattached and ungrounded and …floaty. There are so many possibilities, and I don’t know if I’m supposed to “choose”, or “float” or “let it come to me/happen naturally” or “dream and plan and create” or “take charge of my own life”… yeah.
Oh, and my visa isn’t up for 10 years!!! HAHAHA so I’m sure we will have other opportunities
LOVE YOU!!!! Amanda